Phear the Crocs!

EVERYONE should own a pair!!!

I never thought I'd ever find a benefit of not playing netball............

For the first time in forever, my nails look 'girly'

*shrug*

You think I'd learn

Why do I do it?

mas·och·ism ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ms-kzm)

A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

I know what will happen when I look back over stuff that means so much to me. It will make me miss it all so much more, yet I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

The special nuances a word can hold. The way it was written, the expression it was said with. I can close my eyes and hear every word even though it was only written. I can hear how it would have been said. I can hear it all so clearly.

God I miss it.

The most treasured of all was written June 20, 2005, at 2:44:58. Little did I know that 40 hours later my world as I knew it then, would never be the same again.



Tomorrow is supposed to be start of a new adventure.

I'm feeling nothing like starting it.

The coin has landed....

The coin spun for a long time in the air.

Did I will it to land a certain way? We will never know, nor is it relevant.

I have to now accept the coins fate.

Am I comfortable with the coin's decision? Probably not, but I will get there.

Baby steps is all I can do for now. Small baby steps.

Am I scared? Shit scared.

*remembers to pack the floaties*

Flipping a coin

Maybe if I flip a coin, I will be able to make a decision based purely on luck.

50/50 chance.

Those odds aren't so bad.

What am I messing with here?

Am I messing with my future?

Am I messing with the present, which really is my future past?

To quote Greenday

"another turning point, a fork stuck in road"

Some days, fleetingly, it seems I know what needs to be done. Just get on with it, just make the decision and do it. Those thoughts are more often than not swamped by doubt.

Why does something that seemed so right; seemed such the perfect decision, now seem like I was just fooling myself. I will never succeed, I will never fulfill that dream. Was it my dream? Was it a decision I made at another low point that at the time made perfect sense. I wish I could remember. I wish I felt the determination I felt then.

Maybe my future lies in other areas. Would I have made the decision I did, if circumstances were different?

I'm asking questions again that can't be answered. Why am I asking them? I don't know. Am I expecting answers? Probably not.

*flips the coin in the air*