Carnival rides

Some days I feel like I'm being sucked under by such a strong undercurrent that it feels like if I don't try hard, I will just let it take me under.

I'd love the tears to stop. I'd love to wake up one morning after restless sleep and know that I will get through the day. Everything has totally overwhelmed me. What was the turning point on this road to hell? And where is the turn in the road that will help me out of this melancholy my life has become?

I'm so tired of people telling me I'm strong and I will get through this. What if I don't want to get through this?

I wish I could stop dreaming. I can barely cope with my daytime thoughts, but when I dream I'm not dreaming the same hurt. I'm dreaming wonderful, lovely things. I wake and think it's all reality, and my senses kick in to action and take over and I realise that my dreams may never be reality.

Why am I having this overwhelming urge to know everything? How can something that you thought you understood, now make you feel so inept and so totally alone.

It's funny how a simple action or non action can set things hurtling along a rollercoaster out of control. How does an out of control rollercoaster stop? Do you just jump off and hope you land unscathed or do you jump off knowing full well you are going to be battered and bruised? I don't want to be battered and bruised. Is there a way to stop the rollercoaster? What would it take to stop the rollercoaster so the occupants can get off and get on something much more pleasant and peaceful, like a merry go round. Maybe the carnival has already left town. I honestly don't know anymore.

Be well, knowing I'd love to jump off the rollercoaster. If only I could see what would happen if I did jump off.