One month on..........

One month ago today, I lost my nan. My dad lost his mum, my mum lost her mother in law. We didn’t lose her like you lose a wallet or car keys, we lost her for good.

She suffered a Cerebral Haemorrhage, it was sudden with no warning. I was at work, looking forward to a wonderful weekend. I got a call from my dad, who was crying, telling me I had to go home. Home, which I commonly call ‘zork’ is a couple of hours away. I rang the person I had plans with for the weekend and told them. I also told them I didn’t want to go, my dad was crying when he told me to come home. My dad never told me to do things, he always suggested or asked. Being told to do something gave me the knowledge that something was bad. When I told the person I was to spend the weekend with, whom is surrounded by these kind of situations constantly, and their reaction was go, go now, get off the phone. I knew what lay ahead.

So many times along the drive to zork, I wanted to turn around and go back to the comfort of home. Travelling to somewhere you don't want to go to, is never pleasant. Knowing when you get there you are going to be greeted by sad people, confused people, doesn't help.

I've seen my dad cry a lot of times. Crying was never frowned upon in our house. It was never thought to be only something girls do. Mind you, I seem to have perfected the art of crying. It's not something I'm proud of it, but that's a whole other blog and not meant for this one. What do you say or how do you react when you see one of the people who have influenced your life, crying? If someone has the answer, please let me know.

I arrived at the hospital at zork, to be greeted by my parents. The looks on their faces told me all I needed to know. Nan had suffered a stroke and doctor's had said she wouldn't recover. I went and saw her, hooked up to machines, looking asleep, looking like she was breathing, but there was something about her face that I didn't like. She looked almost angry. Nan never got angry. I wanted to touch her face and make the frowns go away, but I also didn't want to touch her. This wasn't my nan, this was someone who just looked like nan. Someone I knew would never be coming back, never open her eyes and say, how's my big little girl today? I remember sitting there crying. A doctor walked past, touched my shoulder and when I asked if she was in any pain, he just said, no, she's in no pain at all. I knew she wasn't, logic told me she wasn't, but I also needed to hear it from someone who knew for certain.